Prediction (& a pretty picture!)

SO....the year is almost over & i must say - it has certainly been a busy one! i quit my horrible job, i am going back to school (finished my 1st semester with a mass of "B"s and 1 "A" - which i don't think is too bad since i haven't been to school in 10 yrs!) , and i got engaged a couple weeks ago!! All in all i'd have to say that it has been a stressful but fulfilling year for me. And my goals for this coming year are to: (a) write in this blog at least once a week, (b) plan & execute this wedding with minimal stress, (c) not procrastinate so badly with my school work/papers, (d) not be as depressed as i have been this year (or am right now for that matter.) i don't think these goals are insurmountable & i hope they are not unreasonable.

2008 will be the year of the Billiam & jenni!!!

(its about time!!)

this is me. minus 28 yrs but me all the same.
(what the hell do i think i am doing?!)

this has become so important to me

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

letter to Jada

Hey Lady! i know i just said this on your comments but i must see you & feel you & taste-y-smell you before i fly away on the 23rd. If the plane goes down i do NOT want my last thought to be..."i never got to see my Jada again before i died!!"

i feel so disconnected & disjointed lately. like i am losing everything & everyone...its all slipping through my fingers like water. (or Martinis.. or Grape Juice!) & i am so very numb sometimes.

am i being silly? should i just let go & let the cards fall where they may? Is it bad that i miss the way everything was? Most of us were unhappier then but we all had each other. Now we are scattered. Or maybe only i am scattered.

In the end i guess i just want all of my friends to be happy. That's all i have ever wanted. i'm really not that concerned abt myself - if i am in between this & that...then good for me but what i really want... i want YOU to live & love & be happy! i want that for all of my friends.

i dunno. i am just venting to you & i am sorry. it is not fair for me to not see you for so long & then just start rambling & blathering on & on & on... & on about stuff.

i miss you.

jb

yeah - i've got nothing to say...maybe

it is hot & sticky outside today. the air so thick i can barely breathe. Not that it matters all that much - with all the pollen i can't breathe right anyway. Stupid Summer!! At least my freckles come back to visit me. So i guess that's cool. And i get to eat ice cream...unlike every other day of the year. :o.

yeah - i've got nothing to say...maybe.

i've been feeling distracted & disconnected lately. More so than normal that is. All of my friends are just out of arms reach...& my arms seem to be getting shorter. Is this what it is to be an "adult"? If so, get me the fuck outta here! i didn't sign up for this!! Nowhere in the Getting Older Rules did it say i would lose my friends.

Though it has come to my attention that maybe some of the people i thought were friends merely saw me as an extension of someone else. (With the exception of J&J, D, Jadabear, MaryB, Pete & the Mink, ...and Billiam, of course.) But some of the people i spent the better part of 7(ish) years with playing & laughing, hugging & holding, sharing with & listening to, trying to be there for - they've vanished.

& i am left confused & hurt.

i don't want to grow-up anymore.

am i too old to run away?

i am having one of those days again. One of those days where the simplest of tasks seems to overwhelm me. Where the smallest things set me spiraling downward uncontrollably. It seems so unfair sometimes. i feel as though my life is not my own to control - as though i am not mistress (master?) of this body & soul. And i can't explain it to anyone. How do you explain something you yourself do not even understand? How can you explain that you are afraid that one day you won't be able to talk yourself through this? i felt like such a failure. (i feel like such a failure.) Sitting in my car trying so hard not to cry. Trying so hard not to lose what little grasp on emotional stability i thought i had. This is ridiculous. One day i am strong & decisive & reasonably intelligent & the next i can't connect one thought to another. i don't care what i do, what i eat, or if i shower. i just want to hide & sleep & cry. But i can't cry. i won't. (My last ditch effort to deny my misery to myself & everyone around me.) My refusal to be weak causes me to be weak - causes my head to throb & my body to tremble. Leaves me dizzy & nauseous.

maybe if i ignore it - it will all just go away.

maybe i will go away.

1st cheater post of 2007

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be nervous and potent. Your energy - both positive and negative - deeply impacts your life.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

i have become nothing more than an afterthought...even to myself.