am i too old to run away?

i am having one of those days again. One of those days where the simplest of tasks seems to overwhelm me. Where the smallest things set me spiraling downward uncontrollably. It seems so unfair sometimes. i feel as though my life is not my own to control - as though i am not mistress (master?) of this body & soul. And i can't explain it to anyone. How do you explain something you yourself do not even understand? How can you explain that you are afraid that one day you won't be able to talk yourself through this? i felt like such a failure. (i feel like such a failure.) Sitting in my car trying so hard not to cry. Trying so hard not to lose what little grasp on emotional stability i thought i had. This is ridiculous. One day i am strong & decisive & reasonably intelligent & the next i can't connect one thought to another. i don't care what i do, what i eat, or if i shower. i just want to hide & sleep & cry. But i can't cry. i won't. (My last ditch effort to deny my misery to myself & everyone around me.) My refusal to be weak causes me to be weak - causes my head to throb & my body to tremble. Leaves me dizzy & nauseous.

maybe if i ignore it - it will all just go away.

maybe i will go away.

1st cheater post of 2007

What Your Hands Say About You

You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be nervous and potent. Your energy - both positive and negative - deeply impacts your life.

What Do Your Hands Say About You?

i have become nothing more than an afterthought...even to myself.

This "J " is for Judi ...

OK - here's how this works...(i think) : i was given a letter of the alphabet by Jud-i-bug & i am supposed to think of 10 words that start with that letter & write what they mean to me. So...here goes...something.

1) jennibean - i KNOW this is not an actual word. It is a nickname that was given to me by my friend Alex. i LOVE this name & i don't care how ridiculous i will appear when i answer to it when i am 40-something. (some variations: jb, jbean, bean)

2) Jabberwockey -

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

3) jaded - jad·ed adj.

1. Worn out; wearied: “My father's words had left me jaded and depressed” (William Styron).
2. Dulled by surfeit; sated: “the sickeningly sweet life of the amoral, jaded, bored upper classes” (John Simon).
<>Cynically or pretentiously callous.
[ i am the 1st & 3rd...dunno about the middle one though.]

4) January - i am hoping that my life will be a little less stressful this next year. 5) jinx - a possible name for the Chi-hua-hua i want. (sounds more like a cat name though, huh?) 6) jiggle - my stomach has a definite jello-y quality to it presently. it bothers me. 7) journey - i am looking forward to my relationship with Billiam & its growth. 8) jail - my mother always lovingly tells me not to end up in jail when i talk to her before going out with my friends. 9) joy - that elusive creature taunts me still. 10) juicy - This is what Ty calls me. & i haven't figured out why yet.
i know i said 10 but 13 is my # so...
11) junk - i hate my car. 12) join - i was never a team player - even when i was young.
13) jest - sometimes i feel like i am a punchline to a joke i will never understand.

this is my car: (well...a MUCH nicer version of my car - but play along with me here.)


this is what i want to happen to my car:



its hasn't been a good day and its only 7:42am.

last chance for one in November -

i am feeling hollow and lost and alone today. Not alone outside of me - i know i have friends and family and Billiam and Pete who care about me & love me - but alone inside. (If THAT makes ANY sense @ all.)

Some days i feel almost whole and confident and good. Today is not one of those days. Today i feel small and weak and scared. Uncertain. Like i am a tiny me trapped inside this shell. This pale, bruised and inked body - a tomb for my true self.

Sometimes, in the dark of night - in the dark of my soul - i can feel myself die a little. And sometimes that part that has gone can be rebuilt but sometimes... what's gone is gone and will never be found again. Do i miss these parts of me? If i wait long enough i can't even define them anymore. Can you miss someone you don't even know anymore? Or am i merely grieving for the massive amounts of empty space inside me?

research - because i'd rather be numb than write about it.

Depression
(Major Depressive Disorder)

SYMPTOMS

A person who suffers from a major depressive disorder (sometimes also referred to as clinical depression or major depression) must either have a depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities consistently for at least a 2 week period. This mood must represent a change from the person's normal mood. Social, occupational, educational or other important functioning must also be negatively impaired by the change in mood. For instance, a person who has missed work or school because of their depression, or has stopped attending classes altogether or attending usual social engagements.

A depressed mood caused by substances (such as drugs, alcohol, medications) is not considered a major depressive disorder, nor is one which is caused by a general medical condition. Major depressive disorder generally cannot be diagnosed if a person has a history of manic, hypomanic, or mixed episodes (e.g., a bipolar disorder) or if the depressed mood is better accounted for by schizoaffective disorder and is not superimposed on schizophrenia, a delusion or psychotic disorder. Typically the diagnosis of major depression is also not made if the person is grieving over a significant loss in their lives (see note on bereavement below).

Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of the majority of these symptoms:

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feeling sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful). (In children and adolescents, this may be characterized as an irritable mood.)
• Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
• Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
• Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
• Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day
• Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
• Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
• Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

In addition, for a diagnosis of major depression to be made, the symptoms must not be better accounted for by Bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

*sniffle*

i miss pete.

blow out a candle for me

it is my birthday today. @ 4:48 pm i will be 28 yrs old...

"THINK FAST SURVEY!"

Think Fast Survey- answer with the first thing that pops into your head DONT CHEAT!!!

1. My ex is ....
being immature

2. I am listening to...
Jim Gaffigan

3. Maybe I should...
get something to eat - m'starving

4. I love...
Paris in the springtime?

5. My best friend(s)...
are all beautiful (its just a fact - i hang out with good looking people!)

6. I don't understand...
why i haven't found another job yet

7. I lost my respect for...
humanity in general

9. The meaning of my screen name is...
its just a nickname Alex gave me a couple years ago.

10. Love is...
all you need

11. Somewhere, someone is...
having really good sex.

12. I will always...
dislike brussel sprouts

13. Forever seems like...
its never really lasts that long

14. I never ever want to lose..
my sense of self

16. When I wake up in the morning....
i make weird grumbling noises instead of talking

17. I get annoyed at...
people

18. Parties are...
sometimes stressful for me

19. My pet(s)...
is beating up her puppy dog toy

20. Kisses are...
a link to the heart

21. Today I...
will still be 27

22. I really want...
to not be broke all the time.

(part-2) the shirt's WAY to big - but he fits me... [really short]

& that simple fact makes my lungs tighten painfully as a weight settles heavily on my chest and my breath becomes shallow - the air too thick to breathe.

But that's a different random babble for a different post...

So he showed up one night this week - running late from work - with a shiny silver soccer ball & a HUGE FIFA t-shirt. [Ya see, before we started "dating" he was forced to read a few emails (& listen to a few rants - especially after France beat Brasil. i mean - did you SEE that game?? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!) ALL about the 2006 World Cup.] It was terribly cute & very very thoughtful.

Between that & Pete my sour mood started to sweeten.

Though...i don't think it was the actual t-shirt & ball that helped. It was him. All kind & comforting. From day one that's how everything seems to go with us. Comfortable. No bullshitting. No trying to impress. No pressure or games. Just us. As we are. And we fit together. Like some bizarre puzzle - pieces of mellow,quiet and smart linking easily with cynical wit, dark thought and fiery passion.

now my brain is trying to warn my heart that its all going to fall apart.

what helps my sad heart forget its woes? (part-1)

well, apparently it takes a FIFA t-shirt & my bestestest friend. Not in that order.

Or at least that's what seems to have popped me outta my most recent sad/angry funk. (That & the promise of getting to glue Pete's face sometime next week!! ALWAYS fun!!)

So this funk started out as most do. Anger. Raw & pure & burning. Unfortunately poor Billyumm was there in the morning & i tried not to lash out @ him. He has NO clue what he's gotten himself into, poor boy. & its not fair to blind-side someone with shit like that. i used to do it to Mijal all the time. Blast him for no reason @ all & he would be sad & confused for days. Just the thought of him looking all stricken with tears pooling in his eyes makes my heart ache. As most everyone who even knows me slightly knows i am very connected to my siblings & their needs/feelings. We are linked in a way that goes beyond blood. But for some reason when i get in my "moods" i have little care for anyone - especially myself. (Which is why i stay away from people when being "crushed.")

Anywho -

i sat in my car for 20 minutes overcome by a self-hatred that bruised my heart & blackened my soul...yet again. i then sat @ this computer & typed to Pete. Poor Pete. Forever plagued by her best friend's passion - be it warm or cold... She is my link to the "real" world (to sanity) when i get swallowed whole by my monsters. She is the little voice in my head that whispers softly, as i cry on the bottom of my shower floor. "you will be ok." "you are loved & needed & wanted - no matter how you may feel." "i will love you for you - through all of this & more." " you are more whole than broken...even if you can't see it. i can." she, along with a few others, are the reason i still breath in & out everyday. when i feel lost & hurt & torn and the answer seems so clear & simple - the thoughts of these few, still the angry voices in my head that push & pull & candy coat the idea of an end to all my unnameable pain & sorrow. my all encompassing love for these people solidifies my existence.

September 11th 2001

i don't remember a lot of things...like what i wore 2 days ago or who i've told what "funny" story to...but i remember exactly where i was & what i was doing as i watched all of this happened...

the thought of the possibility

this fear of fleeting fancy
its long thin fingers
grasping around my throat
my heart
the inevitable crush of
trust and hope
i am sufficated by
my own mind
by insufficient self-assurance
being told that you are good enough
and that you deserve it
is a far different beast than belief

-------------

the thought of the possibility
that maybe this will turn out right
is comfort and contentment made
almost tangible and true

and my head was throbbing only
hours ago but the pain subsided
when i just let go of all the questions
threatening to sweep me away

in my self-made chaos
i have always reigned supreme
lost in unhappy thought and
sleepless nights - starving by day

but in the end what it all washes away to
is how strong am i to fight this fear
how heady will the reward be
and how willing am i to let him close

-------------

the door swings off its hinges
like a drunken sailor dressed in white
no anger of mine caused this
(though the anger i have stored
over the years could level
an entire city if let loose)
apparently my small pale arms
hold more strength than i had thought
and apparently my wayward tongue
is not as frightening and unbearable
as i had been led to believe

happy thoughts(?)

ok...here we go again! i have nothing to say but still feel the need to write.

There's really not much goin' on with me BUT here are some of the good things (since i hardly ever write about those):
*i got my pretty new tattoo (that's taking forever to heal!) but i love it. i think i have done well on my tattoo selection. they all suit me. & the words very much ARE me.
*i get to go with some of my friends to the Melting Pot in a few hours. Not to eat - just to hang & watch them play in cheese.
*i have my cute little skirt that i am VERY excited about!! (i dunno why & hopefully i wont look like an idiot!! Yes, yes - i know...happy thoughts.)
*the skirt & i will be attending the J&J house-warming shindig tomorrow night. (which i am even MORE excited about!!!) It kinda feels like i haven't seen my people much this month. maybe my perception is a tad skewed but...whatever. i miss them.
*was kicked outta work @ 1 today which is SUPER-sweet!! We were slow & i was soooo friggin' bored i was about to curl up on my desk & go to sleep. So now i am chillin' @ Pete's house - waiting for them to come home. M'probably gonna pass out on the couch. i LOVE this couch! Its the best napping-couch i have ever plunked my skinny ass onto!! YAY COUCH!!!
*went on a date Tuesday - which was very nice. (Not THAT very nice! Get your mind out of the gutter! i'm not that easy!!) Its actually kinda scary. i am not used to guys who are accepting of all my quirks & foibles. [i never get to use that word.] And my bitchy tendencies. (i know you dont believe i have them but just 'cause i'm not like that with you doesnt mean i don't do it at all. Ask Oz...or Alex. Or Larry...Kelsey...Stephen...) i don't know what m'gonna do if this one actually likes me. idiosyncrasies & all.

testing my self-belief

A friend said to me, about a month ago, that she loved the way i laugh - my laughter. i don't know what about it she enjoys exactly. Is it the loudness? Is it the surprised joy that it seems to have captured & then flung out into the world?
When i asked, 2 different friends, why Em would have said this i was told that when i laugh - not the ones that are dripping in cynicism or the self-satisfied giggles (when i've said something biting & only a few people, if any, have heard me) - but when i trully laugh, i am warm. beautiful. It was said that they've noticed recently how honestly happy i have been the last few months when i am with my close & greatly loved friends - and since these bursts of pure delight (though short) are a very rare thing to see from me everyone notices & it makes them happy.
For a second i wonder what i look like in these moments that are so few & far between. Are my eyes a warmer darker dancing hazel? does that energy radiate & flow from my long pale body like waves of sunlight? Am i beautiful when i laugh?
But then a melancholy thought dampens everything: Do all my friends, all these people i respect & hold so dear, know how unhappy i am all the time? Do i not hide my pain as well as i used to be able to when i had no close friends at all? Do they worry about me? Is there some thought hidden in the backs of their minds about my melancholy? Do they see me as i sometimes do? As weak? As lost? And would they if they knew all there was to know about me? My thoughts? My dreams? My past? My still black & bruised soul housed in a body that was once black & bruised & bloody? A body so filled with self-hatred & anger & drugs & pain? That bares the chips & scratches & scars of all i was? All that is still in me? All i've never let myslef be?
i seem to have recently realized that i have always held myself back...by both with-holding pieces of myself from the world outside & by not allowing myself to move freely or as wholey as i have the ability to. i am untrusting & afraid of that world & even more of myself but...
i think that maybe i should let go a little of the control i take such pride in. Maybe i should give myself the benefit of the doubt & not assume the worst of myself. Not assume that the second i loosen the ties that bind my past with my present & future that i will not be able to cope. A little less control does not mean that what occurred, so many years ago, will repeat itself. i am stronger for all my pain & the hits i took...have taken - both figurative & literal.
i just have to let myself BE ... i have to let go and...
be.

8/01/06 - cheater post # 4

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	jenni
Birthday:	10/03
Birthplace:	Elizabeth City, NC
Current Location:	Charlotte, Nc
Eye Color:	hazel i think
Hair Color:	naturally? dark brown with dark red highlights
Height:	5'10.5" (yes the .5 matters - to me!)
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	Italian, German, Scots-Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	comfy flip-flops
Your Weakness:	umm...err...ice cream?
Your Fears:	that i will get dumber as i get older
Your Perfect Pizza:	black olives, spinach...light sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	complete world power! - or a better job, whatever.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	BEAT IT!!!
Thoughts First Waking Up:	work? sleep? work?...sleep?
Your Best Physical Feature:	i have no idea
Your Bedtime:	sometimes i just can't sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	if i missed it how can i remember it?
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE!!!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	never macdonalds
Single or Group Dates:	both?
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton?
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Cherry or Sour Apple OR RASPBERRY CHEESE CAKE
Cappuccino or Coffee:	vanilla almond tea & soy milk & sugar!
Do you Smoke:	not as much as most people think
Do you Swear:	FUCK YEAH!!!
Do you Sing:	yes - but not normally around people
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes twice a day - i hate summer!
Have you Been in Love:	i think so
Do you want to go to College:	yes - feed my head!!
Do you want to get Married:	i dunno - maybe
Do you belive in yourself:	only when i'm not lying to myself
Do you get Motion Sickness:	not normally
Do you think you are Attractive:	i am sure in the right light & after a few drinks & if you squint your eyes just right...i could be, sure.
Are you a Health Freak:	health? no. freak? possibly.
Do you get along with your Parents:	most of the time, yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	LUV'EM!!
Do you play an Instrument:	i used to play the piano - wanna play drums!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Me?! Noooo...uh - yes.
In the past month have you Smoked:	uh-huh
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	define "drugs."
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	i don't really like Oreos all that much.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	YUMMM!! (great - now i'm hungry!)
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	not that i'm aware of
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	define "stolen."
Ever been Drunk:	yes please may i have another
Ever been called a Tease:	sadly no
Ever been Beaten up:	yes
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	does it really matter? i'll be dead.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i think i am already technically "grown-up"
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scotland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	eyes are always a plus
Favourite Hair Color:	don't care
Short or Long Hair:	still don't care
Height:	seriously
Weight:	fo'rizzle
Best Clothing Style:	NAKED!!!
Number of Drugs I have taken:	today? or ever? (still waiting for that definition too)
Number of CDs I own:	m'really not gonna count them
Number of Piercings:	that actually have stuff in them? 2. that i could put stuff in - 13.
Number of Tattoos:	1 or 2.... :o.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	0!! live & learn
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

the answer, per blogthings, for Pete...

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

...hmmmm....

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force. You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle. An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are a Green Apple Jelly Bean

Of all the flavors, you're the most complex and the most real. A little sweet, a little sour, and totally tangy. People can't describe you, but they love you!

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?