A friend said to me, about a month ago, that she loved the way i laugh - my laughter. i don't know what about it she enjoys exactly. Is it the loudness? Is it the surprised joy that it seems to have captured & then flung out into the world?
When i asked, 2 different friends, why Em would have said this i was told that when i laugh - not the ones that are dripping in cynicism or the self-satisfied giggles (when i've said something biting & only a few people, if any, have heard me) - but when i trully laugh, i am warm. beautiful. It was said that they've noticed recently how honestly happy i have been the last few months when i am with my close & greatly loved friends - and since these bursts of pure delight (though short) are a very rare thing to see from me everyone notices & it makes them happy.
For a second i wonder what i look like in these moments that are so few & far between. Are my eyes a warmer darker dancing hazel? does that energy radiate & flow from my long pale body like waves of sunlight? Am i beautiful when i laugh?
But then a melancholy thought dampens everything: Do all my friends, all these people i respect & hold so dear, know how unhappy i am all the time? Do i not hide my pain as well as i used to be able to when i had no close friends at all? Do they worry about me? Is there some thought hidden in the backs of their minds about my melancholy? Do they see me as i sometimes do? As weak? As lost? And would they if they knew all there was to know about me? My thoughts? My dreams? My past? My still black & bruised soul housed in a body that was once black & bruised & bloody? A body so filled with self-hatred & anger & drugs & pain? That bares the chips & scratches & scars of all i was? All that is still in me? All i've never let myslef be?
i seem to have recently realized that i have always held myself back...by both with-holding pieces of myself from the world outside & by not allowing myself to move freely or as wholey as i have the ability to. i am untrusting & afraid of that world & even more of myself but...
i think that maybe i should let go a little of the control i take such pride in. Maybe i should give myself the benefit of the doubt & not assume the worst of myself. Not assume that the second i loosen the ties that bind my past with my present & future that i will not be able to cope. A little less control does not mean that what occurred, so many years ago, will repeat itself. i am stronger for all my pain & the hits i took...have taken - both figurative & literal.
i just have to let myself BE ... i have to let go and...
be.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment