the answer, per blogthings, for Pete...

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date. But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal? It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky. Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a great closet of clothes, no matter what! Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year... Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

...hmmmm....

You are Dark Chocolate

You live your life with intensity, always going full force. You push yourself (and others) to the limit... you want more than you can handle. An extreme person, you challenge and inspire the world!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

You Are a Green Apple Jelly Bean

Of all the flavors, you're the most complex and the most real. A little sweet, a little sour, and totally tangy. People can't describe you, but they love you!

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?

i need a vacation...from myself.

ok...so here we are - the beginning of a new month. July. It sounds better than June doesn't it?! More sunny?? Happier perhaps? (work with me here people!!) i feel lighter...warmer... softer. Of course that could be because 1. m'losing weight (bad) 2. i have no AC in my car & its about 8 billion degrees out there and 3. my body is slowly being cooked by all the recent party-ing activities. OR i could just be lighter, warmer & softer - who knows. Either way i am certainly going to try harder this month not to become battered by my self-made chaos &/or float around in perpetual ennui.

Meanwhile back in the REAL world...

my impatience is slowly eating away @ my hope and what little self-assurance i had built up since last being cut down by the less "fair" gender of our species.

(i find i am also childishly envious of the few favored. i am apparently without. and i'm beginning to question this.)

i am my own

i was gonna TRY to be good & write 4 times each month...STOOPID JUNE!!! i dunno if its just that i don't have a lot to say or if i've just been too tired to say it. Eh.

rambling to follow:

so i think i am almost 100% ready for the Tarts & Vicars Party which is to commence in...uh...well, its @ 7:30 pm tomorrow...so however many hours that is! Pete seems a little worried about the turn out but i have a feeling she has nothing to fear. And we ALL KNOW how much i like feeling. :o. Or something like that.

more rambling:

Been a little tense this month. Not sleeping but a few (less than normal) hours every night, i am sure, has something to do with it. And i am learning things about my personality that should be helpful - but they are neither helpful nor harmful. i can't change who i am & i honestly don't really want to try. i don't think i should have to just to ensure i am not alone. i am not a horrible person - just not soft & girlie & alluring & coy. M'not immediately likeable & i think i am OK with that. M'too honest & impatient. & m'good with that too. There is no moderation to my emotions...very little gray area with me. & my life would probably sting a little less if i found a way to be less of some things or more of others but...then it wouldn't be my life. i wouldn't be me.

So this is it folks...this is ME. All the foilbles & idiosyncrasies & emotions wrapped in a quirky tall & skinny (slightly decorated) package.

take it or leave it.

i miss him again

...he scatters my thoughts
and i let him

he twists me in knots
and in the end - i beg 'im...

last day of May

i don't know why i am writing - i have nothing to say ... yet so much that wants to be said... It seems i am lost in myself again. At least i will know where to find myself when i tire of being whomever it is i am today. a cold comfort to be sure.

having a "dark day"

shakey...sweaty...can't seem to catch my breath. i dunno why. [this is fuckin' ridiculous!] my chest just got all tight as i was walking across the parking lot and then i got to my desk & got all twitchy & i was trying so hard to just not lose it- so i left. but it feels like the harder i try the worse i get & i can't seem to just...

my brain is saying - let go!! just fuckin let go!! - but i don't know what it is i am holding onto. you can't let go of something if you don't know what you are supposed to let go of [...unless you just let go of everything. which isn't an option for reasons beyond myself.] & i keep running & running & running from something inside me. but i don't know what about me i am attempting to escape. & i don't know where i'm trying to go. can i even go anywhere if i'm running from myself?

no one can get away from themselves.



can they?

“The rest is silence.” - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

...quotes - part 2

RANDOM GREATS:
"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - HOWARD THURMAN

"Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you." - MARSHA NORMAN

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." - E E CUMMINGS

"Sex is not the enemy . . . I won't feel guilty no matter what they're telling me," - SHIRLEY MANSON

FUNNY-HA-HA:
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - DREW CAREY

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars" - ANONYMOUS

"You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike." - DAVE ATTELL

"If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him" - GEORGE CARLIN

MY LOVES BEYOND:
"Never do wrong when people are looking." - MARK TWAIN

"I need more sex, OK? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world." - ANGELINA JOLIE

"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to." - JIMI HENDRIX

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." - BUDDHA

"Do not fear mistakes. There are none." - MILES DAVIS

"Say as you think and speak it from your souls." - WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

“What feeds me destroys me” - CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE

... quotes - part 1

ANI DIFRANCO:
"Strangers are exciting, their mystery never ends. But, there's nothing like looking at your own history in the faces of your friends."

"i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream
but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem"

"When I look down, I miss all the good stuff - when I look up, I just trip over things"

"If I'm gonna go down I'm gonna do it with style. You won't hear me surrender, you won't hear me confess 'cause you've left me with nothing but I've worked with less."


LOVE...OR NOT:
"Love is being stupid together." - PAUL VALERY

"People so seldom say I love you And then it's either too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you, It doesn't mean I know you'll never go, Only that I wish you didn't have to." - ANONYMOUS

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves." - CHUCK PALAHNIUK

"Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry." - ANONYMOUS

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake." - ANONYMOUS


i TOTALLY AGREE:
"A true friend is someone who is there for you - when he'd rather be anywhere else." - LEN WEIN

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - MARTIN LUTHET KING JR

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - DR SEUSS

"My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story" - JOHNNY DEPP

no call

putting way too much thought
into way too much effort
into trying to steal you away
from something unknown
& i dont even know myself
well enough to understand
exactly what i am looking for
anymore - just seems as though
something needs to be found
somewhere within this
broken soul

beyond all doubt (1999)

i'm a "lock-the-door-behind-me-
or-leave-it-open" kinda girl
i'm not afraid of this world
It's just the people in it
who are afraid of me
as i walk down the street
i can feel their eyes
on my face
on my back
on my thighs
and i just smile to myself
knowing i'm just like everyone else -
i'm just built differently

-------------

You give me that quirky back-handed smile
the one that never reaches your eyes
and you say baby, why don't you lay back & relax for a while
But i don't want to relax
i just want to go go go
so i give you a smile that's soft & slow
and i say baby, you don't know me as well as you think
and i say baby, its been nice but...
And then i walk away
i just go go go
And you stare after me as your smile fades
with no light in your eyes
with your tongue coated thickly
in lies lies lies
And in my mind i play out that scene which i've lived many times before
the one when they tell me to get cozy & i see myself to the door
the one where i wake up lonely with a note & no call
when i open my eyes & feel nothing at all

-------------

abrasively new
persuasively yes
beyond all doubt
and reason
looking forward
makes me fall behind
and i lose a step in-between

*giggle*burp*

drinking on "school days" = killer.

Went out (then came in) drinking with Pete. Mikey isn't home tonight & when the cat's away...

i feel fuzzy & warm & glad that i made it home without occurance. Got asked directions but beyond that... Sadly, i couldn't advise the lost traveler of the location he was seeking...i have no idea where i am - just know i am here. And that's about all i can ask from life right now. Or at the very least that's all i'm willing to discover this moment.

tale è il mio mondo

wishes & wants -

i want to learn how to play the drums. i want to dance until i can't feel my feet anymore. i want to wake up to someone lying asleep beside me - because they truly want to be there. i want to believe in real love. i want to at least not HATE my job. i want my friends to be happy even if they aren't my friends anymore. i want to take back that night. i want to learn how to speak French. And Italian. i want to make my dreams forget what face against mirror and corner and fist felt like. i want to be weird and girlie about clothes and shoes. i want to learn how to paint my face pretty like my friends can. i want MaryBeth to know how happy it makes me each time i realize how wise she really is. i want to be me & have that be enough.

i wish i could at least trust myself if no one else. i wish Pete could see the man on the moon. i wish i could stop being so angry - & so sad. i wish i told people that i love them more often. i wish i could find the 4 rolling rings & 1 tear-drop ring i lost in a 3 month period. i wish i could tattoo whatever wherever i wanted & dress, pierce & dye and not have to worry about where'd i be able to work. i wish i could travel the world whenever the mood hit. i wish i didn't have to choose between having fun and living a long healthy life. i wish i was an inch & a half taller than i am. i wish i liked going to parties, where i don't know everyone, more. i wish Magpie would stop biting my hands when i try to sleep. i wish i didn't pick apart my face/body every single time i glance in a mirror. i wish it weren't so hard to SAY what/how i feel.

i wish i could believe that i am happier - wiser - more beautiful than i do.
i want to be loved because of all my quirks & flaws.

assuming i have something to say
(which i dont)
my voice is not big enough
for anyone to hear
my hands in motion
are too long & graceless
my anger is quick & quickly swallowed
and my laughter
is drowning in my salty tears.

3/27/06


11/04/99

the definition escapes me
i forget who i am sometimes
and whati'm supposed to be doing here
the rush and go
of people & places
the noise and the lights
chatter - cries - laughter
tears - smiles - trash
swirling
twisting
losing
(why am i here again?)
i can't remember sometimes
and i feel as though i'm floating
with my feet solidly on the ground
floating
and searching
looking for a way out of here
and forgetting who i am supposed to be
the definition escapes me

11/13/??
i dont know why
my past
scares me so much
the blunt-tongued
bitch
bad-ass supreme
humiliated
by things
she
can not change
blindsided
by someone
she
could not stop
sometimes at night
my brain plays it
over and again
and i wake up
crying &
my soul screams

stop


1/29/01

somewhere in between
truth and reality
lies the hope that maybe
someday in between
too busy and too tired
there will be a time that
somehow in between
impossible and improbable
i will be there
in between the lines
in between the lies
where you least expect me
when you least want to
with my heart in my hand
(if you can find the me in between me)