wishes & wants -

i want to learn how to play the drums. i want to dance until i can't feel my feet anymore. i want to wake up to someone lying asleep beside me - because they truly want to be there. i want to believe in real love. i want to at least not HATE my job. i want my friends to be happy even if they aren't my friends anymore. i want to take back that night. i want to learn how to speak French. And Italian. i want to make my dreams forget what face against mirror and corner and fist felt like. i want to be weird and girlie about clothes and shoes. i want to learn how to paint my face pretty like my friends can. i want MaryBeth to know how happy it makes me each time i realize how wise she really is. i want to be me & have that be enough.

i wish i could at least trust myself if no one else. i wish Pete could see the man on the moon. i wish i could stop being so angry - & so sad. i wish i told people that i love them more often. i wish i could find the 4 rolling rings & 1 tear-drop ring i lost in a 3 month period. i wish i could tattoo whatever wherever i wanted & dress, pierce & dye and not have to worry about where'd i be able to work. i wish i could travel the world whenever the mood hit. i wish i didn't have to choose between having fun and living a long healthy life. i wish i was an inch & a half taller than i am. i wish i liked going to parties, where i don't know everyone, more. i wish Magpie would stop biting my hands when i try to sleep. i wish i didn't pick apart my face/body every single time i glance in a mirror. i wish it weren't so hard to SAY what/how i feel.

i wish i could believe that i am happier - wiser - more beautiful than i do.
i want to be loved because of all my quirks & flaws.