what helps my sad heart forget its woes? (part-1)

well, apparently it takes a FIFA t-shirt & my bestestest friend. Not in that order.

Or at least that's what seems to have popped me outta my most recent sad/angry funk. (That & the promise of getting to glue Pete's face sometime next week!! ALWAYS fun!!)

So this funk started out as most do. Anger. Raw & pure & burning. Unfortunately poor Billyumm was there in the morning & i tried not to lash out @ him. He has NO clue what he's gotten himself into, poor boy. & its not fair to blind-side someone with shit like that. i used to do it to Mijal all the time. Blast him for no reason @ all & he would be sad & confused for days. Just the thought of him looking all stricken with tears pooling in his eyes makes my heart ache. As most everyone who even knows me slightly knows i am very connected to my siblings & their needs/feelings. We are linked in a way that goes beyond blood. But for some reason when i get in my "moods" i have little care for anyone - especially myself. (Which is why i stay away from people when being "crushed.")

Anywho -

i sat in my car for 20 minutes overcome by a self-hatred that bruised my heart & blackened my soul...yet again. i then sat @ this computer & typed to Pete. Poor Pete. Forever plagued by her best friend's passion - be it warm or cold... She is my link to the "real" world (to sanity) when i get swallowed whole by my monsters. She is the little voice in my head that whispers softly, as i cry on the bottom of my shower floor. "you will be ok." "you are loved & needed & wanted - no matter how you may feel." "i will love you for you - through all of this & more." " you are more whole than broken...even if you can't see it. i can." she, along with a few others, are the reason i still breath in & out everyday. when i feel lost & hurt & torn and the answer seems so clear & simple - the thoughts of these few, still the angry voices in my head that push & pull & candy coat the idea of an end to all my unnameable pain & sorrow. my all encompassing love for these people solidifies my existence.