the thought of the possibility

this fear of fleeting fancy
its long thin fingers
grasping around my throat
my heart
the inevitable crush of
trust and hope
i am sufficated by
my own mind
by insufficient self-assurance
being told that you are good enough
and that you deserve it
is a far different beast than belief

-------------

the thought of the possibility
that maybe this will turn out right
is comfort and contentment made
almost tangible and true

and my head was throbbing only
hours ago but the pain subsided
when i just let go of all the questions
threatening to sweep me away

in my self-made chaos
i have always reigned supreme
lost in unhappy thought and
sleepless nights - starving by day

but in the end what it all washes away to
is how strong am i to fight this fear
how heady will the reward be
and how willing am i to let him close

-------------

the door swings off its hinges
like a drunken sailor dressed in white
no anger of mine caused this
(though the anger i have stored
over the years could level
an entire city if let loose)
apparently my small pale arms
hold more strength than i had thought
and apparently my wayward tongue
is not as frightening and unbearable
as i had been led to believe

happy thoughts(?)

ok...here we go again! i have nothing to say but still feel the need to write.

There's really not much goin' on with me BUT here are some of the good things (since i hardly ever write about those):
*i got my pretty new tattoo (that's taking forever to heal!) but i love it. i think i have done well on my tattoo selection. they all suit me. & the words very much ARE me.
*i get to go with some of my friends to the Melting Pot in a few hours. Not to eat - just to hang & watch them play in cheese.
*i have my cute little skirt that i am VERY excited about!! (i dunno why & hopefully i wont look like an idiot!! Yes, yes - i know...happy thoughts.)
*the skirt & i will be attending the J&J house-warming shindig tomorrow night. (which i am even MORE excited about!!!) It kinda feels like i haven't seen my people much this month. maybe my perception is a tad skewed but...whatever. i miss them.
*was kicked outta work @ 1 today which is SUPER-sweet!! We were slow & i was soooo friggin' bored i was about to curl up on my desk & go to sleep. So now i am chillin' @ Pete's house - waiting for them to come home. M'probably gonna pass out on the couch. i LOVE this couch! Its the best napping-couch i have ever plunked my skinny ass onto!! YAY COUCH!!!
*went on a date Tuesday - which was very nice. (Not THAT very nice! Get your mind out of the gutter! i'm not that easy!!) Its actually kinda scary. i am not used to guys who are accepting of all my quirks & foibles. [i never get to use that word.] And my bitchy tendencies. (i know you dont believe i have them but just 'cause i'm not like that with you doesnt mean i don't do it at all. Ask Oz...or Alex. Or Larry...Kelsey...Stephen...) i don't know what m'gonna do if this one actually likes me. idiosyncrasies & all.

testing my self-belief

A friend said to me, about a month ago, that she loved the way i laugh - my laughter. i don't know what about it she enjoys exactly. Is it the loudness? Is it the surprised joy that it seems to have captured & then flung out into the world?
When i asked, 2 different friends, why Em would have said this i was told that when i laugh - not the ones that are dripping in cynicism or the self-satisfied giggles (when i've said something biting & only a few people, if any, have heard me) - but when i trully laugh, i am warm. beautiful. It was said that they've noticed recently how honestly happy i have been the last few months when i am with my close & greatly loved friends - and since these bursts of pure delight (though short) are a very rare thing to see from me everyone notices & it makes them happy.
For a second i wonder what i look like in these moments that are so few & far between. Are my eyes a warmer darker dancing hazel? does that energy radiate & flow from my long pale body like waves of sunlight? Am i beautiful when i laugh?
But then a melancholy thought dampens everything: Do all my friends, all these people i respect & hold so dear, know how unhappy i am all the time? Do i not hide my pain as well as i used to be able to when i had no close friends at all? Do they worry about me? Is there some thought hidden in the backs of their minds about my melancholy? Do they see me as i sometimes do? As weak? As lost? And would they if they knew all there was to know about me? My thoughts? My dreams? My past? My still black & bruised soul housed in a body that was once black & bruised & bloody? A body so filled with self-hatred & anger & drugs & pain? That bares the chips & scratches & scars of all i was? All that is still in me? All i've never let myslef be?
i seem to have recently realized that i have always held myself back...by both with-holding pieces of myself from the world outside & by not allowing myself to move freely or as wholey as i have the ability to. i am untrusting & afraid of that world & even more of myself but...
i think that maybe i should let go a little of the control i take such pride in. Maybe i should give myself the benefit of the doubt & not assume the worst of myself. Not assume that the second i loosen the ties that bind my past with my present & future that i will not be able to cope. A little less control does not mean that what occurred, so many years ago, will repeat itself. i am stronger for all my pain & the hits i took...have taken - both figurative & literal.
i just have to let myself BE ... i have to let go and...
be.

8/01/06 - cheater post # 4

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	jenni
Birthday:	10/03
Birthplace:	Elizabeth City, NC
Current Location:	Charlotte, Nc
Eye Color:	hazel i think
Hair Color:	naturally? dark brown with dark red highlights
Height:	5'10.5" (yes the .5 matters - to me!)
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	Italian, German, Scots-Irish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	comfy flip-flops
Your Weakness:	umm...err...ice cream?
Your Fears:	that i will get dumber as i get older
Your Perfect Pizza:	black olives, spinach...light sauce
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	complete world power! - or a better job, whatever.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	BEAT IT!!!
Thoughts First Waking Up:	work? sleep? work?...sleep?
Your Best Physical Feature:	i have no idea
Your Bedtime:	sometimes i just can't sleep
Your Most Missed Memory:	if i missed it how can i remember it?
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE!!!
MacDonalds or Burger King:	never macdonalds
Single or Group Dates:	both?
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton?
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Cherry or Sour Apple OR RASPBERRY CHEESE CAKE
Cappuccino or Coffee:	vanilla almond tea & soy milk & sugar!
Do you Smoke:	not as much as most people think
Do you Swear:	FUCK YEAH!!!
Do you Sing:	yes - but not normally around people
Do you Shower Daily:	sometimes twice a day - i hate summer!
Have you Been in Love:	i think so
Do you want to go to College:	yes - feed my head!!
Do you want to get Married:	i dunno - maybe
Do you belive in yourself:	only when i'm not lying to myself
Do you get Motion Sickness:	not normally
Do you think you are Attractive:	i am sure in the right light & after a few drinks & if you squint your eyes just right...i could be, sure.
Are you a Health Freak:	health? no. freak? possibly.
Do you get along with your Parents:	most of the time, yes.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	LUV'EM!!
Do you play an Instrument:	i used to play the piano - wanna play drums!
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Me?! Noooo...uh - yes.
In the past month have you Smoked:	uh-huh
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	define "drugs."
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	i don't really like Oreos all that much.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	YUMMM!! (great - now i'm hungry!)
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	not that i'm aware of
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	define "stolen."
Ever been Drunk:	yes please may i have another
Ever been called a Tease:	sadly no
Ever been Beaten up:	yes
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	does it really matter? i'll be dead.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	i think i am already technically "grown-up"
What country would you most like to Visit:	Scotland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	eyes are always a plus
Favourite Hair Color:	don't care
Short or Long Hair:	still don't care
Height:	seriously
Weight:	fo'rizzle
Best Clothing Style:	NAKED!!!
Number of Drugs I have taken:	today? or ever? (still waiting for that definition too)
Number of CDs I own:	m'really not gonna count them
Number of Piercings:	that actually have stuff in them? 2. that i could put stuff in - 13.
Number of Tattoos:	1 or 2.... :o.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	0!! live & learn
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!