*giggle*burp*

drinking on "school days" = killer.

Went out (then came in) drinking with Pete. Mikey isn't home tonight & when the cat's away...

i feel fuzzy & warm & glad that i made it home without occurance. Got asked directions but beyond that... Sadly, i couldn't advise the lost traveler of the location he was seeking...i have no idea where i am - just know i am here. And that's about all i can ask from life right now. Or at the very least that's all i'm willing to discover this moment.

tale è il mio mondo

wishes & wants -

i want to learn how to play the drums. i want to dance until i can't feel my feet anymore. i want to wake up to someone lying asleep beside me - because they truly want to be there. i want to believe in real love. i want to at least not HATE my job. i want my friends to be happy even if they aren't my friends anymore. i want to take back that night. i want to learn how to speak French. And Italian. i want to make my dreams forget what face against mirror and corner and fist felt like. i want to be weird and girlie about clothes and shoes. i want to learn how to paint my face pretty like my friends can. i want MaryBeth to know how happy it makes me each time i realize how wise she really is. i want to be me & have that be enough.

i wish i could at least trust myself if no one else. i wish Pete could see the man on the moon. i wish i could stop being so angry - & so sad. i wish i told people that i love them more often. i wish i could find the 4 rolling rings & 1 tear-drop ring i lost in a 3 month period. i wish i could tattoo whatever wherever i wanted & dress, pierce & dye and not have to worry about where'd i be able to work. i wish i could travel the world whenever the mood hit. i wish i didn't have to choose between having fun and living a long healthy life. i wish i was an inch & a half taller than i am. i wish i liked going to parties, where i don't know everyone, more. i wish Magpie would stop biting my hands when i try to sleep. i wish i didn't pick apart my face/body every single time i glance in a mirror. i wish it weren't so hard to SAY what/how i feel.

i wish i could believe that i am happier - wiser - more beautiful than i do.
i want to be loved because of all my quirks & flaws.

assuming i have something to say
(which i dont)
my voice is not big enough
for anyone to hear
my hands in motion
are too long & graceless
my anger is quick & quickly swallowed
and my laughter
is drowning in my salty tears.

3/27/06


11/04/99

the definition escapes me
i forget who i am sometimes
and whati'm supposed to be doing here
the rush and go
of people & places
the noise and the lights
chatter - cries - laughter
tears - smiles - trash
swirling
twisting
losing
(why am i here again?)
i can't remember sometimes
and i feel as though i'm floating
with my feet solidly on the ground
floating
and searching
looking for a way out of here
and forgetting who i am supposed to be
the definition escapes me

11/13/??
i dont know why
my past
scares me so much
the blunt-tongued
bitch
bad-ass supreme
humiliated
by things
she
can not change
blindsided
by someone
she
could not stop
sometimes at night
my brain plays it
over and again
and i wake up
crying &
my soul screams

stop


1/29/01

somewhere in between
truth and reality
lies the hope that maybe
someday in between
too busy and too tired
there will be a time that
somehow in between
impossible and improbable
i will be there
in between the lines
in between the lies
where you least expect me
when you least want to
with my heart in my hand
(if you can find the me in between me)