am i too old to run away?

i am having one of those days again. One of those days where the simplest of tasks seems to overwhelm me. Where the smallest things set me spiraling downward uncontrollably. It seems so unfair sometimes. i feel as though my life is not my own to control - as though i am not mistress (master?) of this body & soul. And i can't explain it to anyone. How do you explain something you yourself do not even understand? How can you explain that you are afraid that one day you won't be able to talk yourself through this? i felt like such a failure. (i feel like such a failure.) Sitting in my car trying so hard not to cry. Trying so hard not to lose what little grasp on emotional stability i thought i had. This is ridiculous. One day i am strong & decisive & reasonably intelligent & the next i can't connect one thought to another. i don't care what i do, what i eat, or if i shower. i just want to hide & sleep & cry. But i can't cry. i won't. (My last ditch effort to deny my misery to myself & everyone around me.) My refusal to be weak causes me to be weak - causes my head to throb & my body to tremble. Leaves me dizzy & nauseous.

maybe if i ignore it - it will all just go away.

maybe i will go away.