& that simple fact makes my lungs tighten painfully as a weight settles heavily on my chest and my breath becomes shallow - the air too thick to breathe.
But that's a different random babble for a different post...
So he showed up one night this week - running late from work - with a shiny silver soccer ball & a HUGE FIFA t-shirt. [Ya see, before we started "dating" he was forced to read a few emails (& listen to a few rants - especially after France beat Brasil. i mean - did you SEE that game?? WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?!) ALL about the 2006 World Cup.] It was terribly cute & very very thoughtful.
Between that & Pete my sour mood started to sweeten.
Though...i don't think it was the actual t-shirt & ball that helped. It was him. All kind & comforting. From day one that's how everything seems to go with us. Comfortable. No bullshitting. No trying to impress. No pressure or games. Just us. As we are. And we fit together. Like some bizarre puzzle - pieces of mellow,quiet and smart linking easily with cynical wit, dark thought and fiery passion.
now my brain is trying to warn my heart that its all going to fall apart.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
what helps my sad heart forget its woes? (part-1)
well, apparently it takes a FIFA t-shirt & my bestestest friend. Not in that order.
Or at least that's what seems to have popped me outta my most recent sad/angry funk. (That & the promise of getting to glue Pete's face sometime next week!! ALWAYS fun!!)
So this funk started out as most do. Anger. Raw & pure & burning. Unfortunately poor Billyumm was there in the morning & i tried not to lash out @ him. He has NO clue what he's gotten himself into, poor boy. & its not fair to blind-side someone with shit like that. i used to do it to Mijal all the time. Blast him for no reason @ all & he would be sad & confused for days. Just the thought of him looking all stricken with tears pooling in his eyes makes my heart ache. As most everyone who even knows me slightly knows i am very connected to my siblings & their needs/feelings. We are linked in a way that goes beyond blood. But for some reason when i get in my "moods" i have little care for anyone - especially myself. (Which is why i stay away from people when being "crushed.")
Anywho -
i sat in my car for 20 minutes overcome by a self-hatred that bruised my heart & blackened my soul...yet again. i then sat @ this computer & typed to Pete. Poor Pete. Forever plagued by her best friend's passion - be it warm or cold... She is my link to the "real" world (to sanity) when i get swallowed whole by my monsters. She is the little voice in my head that whispers softly, as i cry on the bottom of my shower floor. "you will be ok." "you are loved & needed & wanted - no matter how you may feel." "i will love you for you - through all of this & more." " you are more whole than broken...even if you can't see it. i can." she, along with a few others, are the reason i still breath in & out everyday. when i feel lost & hurt & torn and the answer seems so clear & simple - the thoughts of these few, still the angry voices in my head that push & pull & candy coat the idea of an end to all my unnameable pain & sorrow. my all encompassing love for these people solidifies my existence.
Or at least that's what seems to have popped me outta my most recent sad/angry funk. (That & the promise of getting to glue Pete's face sometime next week!! ALWAYS fun!!)
So this funk started out as most do. Anger. Raw & pure & burning. Unfortunately poor Billyumm was there in the morning & i tried not to lash out @ him. He has NO clue what he's gotten himself into, poor boy. & its not fair to blind-side someone with shit like that. i used to do it to Mijal all the time. Blast him for no reason @ all & he would be sad & confused for days. Just the thought of him looking all stricken with tears pooling in his eyes makes my heart ache. As most everyone who even knows me slightly knows i am very connected to my siblings & their needs/feelings. We are linked in a way that goes beyond blood. But for some reason when i get in my "moods" i have little care for anyone - especially myself. (Which is why i stay away from people when being "crushed.")
Anywho -
i sat in my car for 20 minutes overcome by a self-hatred that bruised my heart & blackened my soul...yet again. i then sat @ this computer & typed to Pete. Poor Pete. Forever plagued by her best friend's passion - be it warm or cold... She is my link to the "real" world (to sanity) when i get swallowed whole by my monsters. She is the little voice in my head that whispers softly, as i cry on the bottom of my shower floor. "you will be ok." "you are loved & needed & wanted - no matter how you may feel." "i will love you for you - through all of this & more." " you are more whole than broken...even if you can't see it. i can." she, along with a few others, are the reason i still breath in & out everyday. when i feel lost & hurt & torn and the answer seems so clear & simple - the thoughts of these few, still the angry voices in my head that push & pull & candy coat the idea of an end to all my unnameable pain & sorrow. my all encompassing love for these people solidifies my existence.
Monday, September 11, 2006
September 11th 2001
i don't remember a lot of things...like what i wore 2 days ago or who i've told what "funny" story to...but i remember exactly where i was & what i was doing as i watched all of this happened...
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