last day of May

i don't know why i am writing - i have nothing to say ... yet so much that wants to be said... It seems i am lost in myself again. At least i will know where to find myself when i tire of being whomever it is i am today. a cold comfort to be sure.

having a "dark day"

shakey...sweaty...can't seem to catch my breath. i dunno why. [this is fuckin' ridiculous!] my chest just got all tight as i was walking across the parking lot and then i got to my desk & got all twitchy & i was trying so hard to just not lose it- so i left. but it feels like the harder i try the worse i get & i can't seem to just...

my brain is saying - let go!! just fuckin let go!! - but i don't know what it is i am holding onto. you can't let go of something if you don't know what you are supposed to let go of [...unless you just let go of everything. which isn't an option for reasons beyond myself.] & i keep running & running & running from something inside me. but i don't know what about me i am attempting to escape. & i don't know where i'm trying to go. can i even go anywhere if i'm running from myself?

no one can get away from themselves.



can they?